That’s right, I was a hopeless nerd, addicted to Star Wars action figures. Happily, in the summer of 1999, I had two rude awakenings that got me off the junk:
1) The Phantom Menace
2) Getting dumped
To this day, I’m not sure what hurt me more. Sure, the high school sweetheart I had loved for six years left me for some random boys (oh, the plural is no mistake) she met on the internet, leaving me brokenhearted and pretty much sobbing uncontrollably for about a year. But The Phantom Menace stung.
Of course, I really wanted to like the movie. And I still do, actually. Every six months or so after watching it, I can somehow convince myself that it wasn’t that bad. It had a great lightsaber duel at the end. The podracing was fun and exciting. Jar-Jar wasn’t that nauseatingly awful. Right? And then, at some point, I re-watch The Phantom Menace, and my childhood love of Star Wars is brutally sodomized yet again.Jar-Jar, of course, is that annoying, as are the rest of the Gungans, as are the terrible Chinese aliens of the Trade Federation, and as is Anakin (“Are you an angel?” “No. Are you retarded?”). The podracing is neither fun nor exciting, and lasts about 25 minutes longer than you remember. The lightsaber duel is cool, except that it makes no real sense: so Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon can only run fast and jump high when they are actually fighting? What the fuck are those stupid force fields that block Obi-Wan from saving Qui-Gon, and what possible purpose could they have, even in the goofball Star Wars universe? Why does Qui-Gon suck out loud at lightsabering, and why does Darth Maul rock right up to the point where Obi-Wan executes a lengthy, highly telegraphed attack?
There’s no one to root for in the whole damn movie. Anakin is a learning disabled child (who never exhibits any Force powers, incidentally), and
Qui-Gon and the rest of the jedi are dicks – Qui-Gon could easily save Anakin’s slave mom, but he doesn’t give a shit. I honestly thought that was going to be a point later on – that the Jedi had lost their way, hence the need for the Force to make Anakin to kill ‘em all so the Jedi could be rebuilt the correct way – thus bringing balance to the Force. I had thought midichlorians were evidence of this, and later it would be revealed that the Jedi were looking at the Force too scientifically, which is why they were losing their powers, and not detecting Sith. (It should be noted also that I often lie awake nights, concocting new prequels in my head that don’t suck.)I know many have made these points before, but I’m still so mad at the damn thing. These scars haven’t healed at all, because I’m still genuinely disappointed.
So, having bought The Phantom Menace action figures in the flush of excitement about a month before the movie’s premiere, it was pretty easy to break the emotional bond between me and Star Wars figures a month later. This was assisted by my semi-new status as a single man, along with my desir
e to touch a woman again. Having a crippling Star Wars figure addiction – along with in-package figures actually on my walls (it was the Princess Leia collection, which had cloth outfits – classy, right?) – was kind of mutually exclusive to that.So since 1999, I’ve been more or less Star Wars toy free (although I’ve certainly been addicted to other, smaller and more manageable action figure lines, which are thus more socially acceptable). But like any recovering addict, I am not and never will be fully cured. If I bought a single figure, perhaps because it was one of my favorite characters (Bespin Luke, I’m looking at you), I would inevitably justify buying one more. And another. And another, forever.
I know this to be true, because of Attack of the Clones in 2002, which also sucked roundly but had a few cool parts in it. I love Christopher Lee, and ignored my better judgment to buy a Count Dooku action figure. Within a month, I over 20 new Star Wars figures, an empty bank account, and was huddled in the corner of my apartment, sweating, swearing, and carefully labeling their accessories.
With the help of friends and family, I finally gained the willpower to take the money I would have spent on action figures, and spent it on booze instead. And I found a woman, a good one, who I managed to hide my Star Wars toy collection from until after we got married. Am I a triumph of the human spirit? Maybe so.
